Panacea

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How quickly things change. One day I’m fast asleep, deep in nightmare heartache, trying to recover the pieces from an emotional raping of the heart and the next I’m trying to catch my breath after a vortex of events has sucked me in, drowning all else, rendering me into a state of “life flashing before me” bullets. Now, I’m sitting at a desk, that is not my own, in a place that is not my home and I’m thinking I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have been pulled in so. I don’t belong here. This shouldn’t have happened to me. I shake the smoke and mirrors away and slap myself awake. It didn’t happen to me. It happened to her. I can’t deny where I am. I should be grateful for it. I should be accepting of my circumstance. I should acquiesce to the greater power, the universe, that has placed me here, in this very spot, looking out a homeless window at this magical sky, this heavenly sunset, for a reason.

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My heart is heavy, but I am smiling. I’m not pretending that I am not affected or hiding my true feelings. They are there looking back at me. Maybe these feelings are even pointing the finger at me, as if to tell me “You did this, you made this bed yourself”. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to look at these feelings but… they seem to exist outside of myself, as if they were an entirely separate entity. The reason then— I haven’t a clue. I’ve never been here before, there is no precedence. There is only the daily intent to comprehend, decipher, the meaning of all this. The why to the question mark lies ever hidden in the clouds… in the sky… in the rays breaking through creating a pensive fire. It is a delicate matter. I’m not going to break, necessarily, but if I’m not careful, I might get lost and then where would everyone be, if I can’t find my way back?

For now, I accept my wonderful view of a glorious heaven and the peace that comes from enjoying this very moment. I will not think about tomorrow, it will get here soon enough. I will not dwell on yesterday, it is gone. I will relish my peace in this foreign now, this mystery I’m not required to solve. Dammit! I’m just going to roll with it.

Sunder during the storm

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How do people fall in and out of love so quickly? I wish my heart could do that. It would be far less painful that way. It hurts too much after you’ve fallen deeply in love and then leave or lose that love. It will take many lifetimes to recover from the loss and even then… no one will ever be able to take their place. Ever. Not sure. Time heals, I suppose. TIME. The great healer of hearts… of pain.

I suppose it could be a self preservation thing. This falling in love quickly with someone else, so as not to be alone, because that silence is too painful, too lonely. But… if one had truly loved that person, how can they easily move on to someone else? How can that other person replace the lifetimes embedded in them from that love. It must be a very painful existence to replace that someone so quickly. If they meant anything to them, truly meant something, the void would still be there, just look different, masking the hurt. Some people need that, I guess. Better than being alone, not hearing a loving voice, not be able to hold a conversation with the one that knew you so well, they WERE you… the best part of you.

I guess we are all different that way. As for the way I am built, I would never be able to do that. My heart, both courageous and fragile, is faithfully and painfully locked into that person. It does not have an on/off switch. I couldn’t look at another the same way or find comfort in the unfamiliar familiar affection.  My heart would be confused and hurt even more.  I am faithful to that love and the pain that comes from having parted ways.  It sooths my soul into darkness, burning me from the inside out, over and over again, until it leaves a scab.  It will be thick enough to sustain me in some shape and scarred deep enough to remind me of their heart.

Estimated time of recovery… unknown.

Thoughts while sitting in a hospital room… waiting

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Please God… Let Mom be okay.  I’m not ready to let go.

I need to work on paying her bills as well as mine.  How?

So much to do.  I need a couple of clones!

Seriously wondering what the fork I’m doing!

I need to publish the damn thing!

I love to write… that’s all I want to do right now. Well… you can’t silly woman! There’s life!

If anything happens to her, I will not survive.  She’s everything.

Thanks God… thanks a bunch.

 

 

That picture of my future and apple sauce

Why am I here… this place?

I place my cup under the dispenser. I push the magic button… nothing.  Non of the buttons on this machine are producing any magic.  I ask the nurse if there is another nourishment center.

“This way please.  Follow me.”

I follow her down the long hallway lit in twilight softness.  Murmuring sounds collide in echo… voices of broken bodies… hoping to get fixed.  I’m guided to turn left and there it is.  I place my cup under it.  I push the magic button… coffee.  My cup is only one fourth full.  I push it again… more coffee.  I push once more and then my eye is captivated with the button labled espresso. It’s 4:00 A.M..  I haven’t slept.  I can’t sleep. Why not! Hit me! I then dump in enough creamer to make the drug drinkable… enjoyable.

I walk down the long hallway back to the place I shouldn’t be but am.  I ask myself if all the choices I have made, led me here… to this moment, this place… this lifetime day.  If I had chosen differently for myself, made different choices, would the universe have gifted me with this present?  I don’t know.  All I know is that the picture on the wall is sonorous and my lovely mother is hungry.  She’s having trouble swallowing solids.  Apple sauce it is.

Ready… set… jump

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I find myself at a crossroads.  How do I take better care of myself?  Which path do I take when I’m trying to catch my breath?  How far should I go when things I need and want are just around the corner?  How high do I have reach to touch the sky?  How much hurt before you hurt all the way?  Is silence really golden?  Is a solitary walk worth my soul?  Does it matter if I cry for no reason?  Does it matter if there is a good reason for a cry?  How lonely is lonely when you’ve been lonely for so long? I have so many other questions.  Sigh… deep… profound sigh.  So many questions… so many answers… only one reset button.

Well… here’s a thought:

Resetting the reset button doesn’t mean the end… but the beginning of something new… something that encompasses all the beautiful history that has brought you to this very reset point.  I’m officially resetting my reset button and the SKY is the limit.  Want to give yours a try?

Breathing in petrichor

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Walked out yesterday morning… breathed in the flesh that rain had left on my life.  I wondered in the scent that so lavishly adorned my dreams just then.  I thought for sure I was going to shed tears and dwell on my past mistakes… less successful endeavors I wanted so much to have accomplished by now.  I had no idea that I was capable of putting such melancholy aside to let great joy in.  But… I was and I did.  I embraced the sunshine feelings and let them rule my day.  Smiles condensed into tight hugs and long friendly conversations from peers I barely knew but in passing or working together.  I even felt the warmth of family that barely spoke to me but reached out to say a kind word or two.  Such a surprise.  Yes…

I don’t know why I doubted the joy I would feel.  It’s me, in my past.  I mean… I was touched by love long before I came out for a breath.  I was embraced by warm tender affection long before I got out of bed at all.  That is the platform that led me to one of the best days I’ve ever had.  When people touch you so deeply that you’re forever changed… that.  Forever changed I am.  I am not the same as I was a year ago.  Is that bad?  No.  It’s good… very good.  My love has taught me that.  He has brought me to a place I’d never thought I’d be.  Now I’m drenched in the reality that my path has just begun to take its true shape.  I must bend with it and forge its curvature to fit me.  I will embrace it, follow it devotedly.  I will etch myself within and carve out my new life slowly renewing myself each time.  I will be renewed, yes… like the earth after soaking in the sweetness of a rain long after it’s gone.

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