How quickly things change. One day I’m fast asleep, deep in nightmare heartache, trying to recover the pieces from an emotional raping of the heart and the next I’m trying to catch my breath after a vortex of events has sucked me in, drowning all else, rendering me into a state of “life flashing before me” bullets. Now, I’m sitting at a desk, that is not my own, in a place that is not my home and I’m thinking I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have been pulled in so. I don’t belong here. This shouldn’t have happened to me. I shake the smoke and mirrors away and slap myself awake. It didn’t happen to me. It happened to her. I can’t deny where I am. I should be grateful for it. I should be accepting of my circumstance. I should acquiesce to the greater power, the universe, that has placed me here, in this very spot, looking out a homeless window at this magical sky, this heavenly sunset, for a reason.

My heart is heavy, but I am smiling. I’m not pretending that I am not affected or hiding my true feelings. They are there looking back at me. Maybe these feelings are even pointing the finger at me, as if to tell me “You did this, you made this bed yourself”. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to look at these feelings but… they seem to exist outside of myself, as if they were an entirely separate entity. The reason then— I haven’t a clue. I’ve never been here before, there is no precedence. There is only the daily intent to comprehend, decipher, the meaning of all this. The why to the question mark lies ever hidden in the clouds… in the sky… in the rays breaking through creating a pensive fire. It is a delicate matter. I’m not going to break, necessarily, but if I’m not careful, I might get lost and then where would everyone be, if I can’t find my way back?

For now, I accept my wonderful view of a glorious heaven and the peace that comes from enjoying this very moment. I will not think about tomorrow, it will get here soon enough. I will not dwell on yesterday, it is gone. I will relish my peace in this foreign now, this mystery I’m not required to solve. Dammit! I’m just going to roll with it.

12 thoughts on “Panacea

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  1. Well sometimes we find ourselves is strange situations where we ask ourselves “why the f*** am I here?” I guess it is part our journey, we may not like it, we may feel uncomfortable but that’s the way it should be! Hang on Mel, you’ll soon get out of it

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